Glenn Martin, DDS on Nickelodeon

Former Disney CEO Michael Eisner’s idea of “family programming” struck again in the May 7^th episode of Glenn Martin DDS (8:00 p.m. ET). This episode – aired during the Family Hour on children’s network Nickelodeon – featured explicit sexual references and graphic violence, earning it the title of Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.  

Considering that this program’s opening credits feature Glenn calling himself “dentist, father, lover”, and show him tied down spread-eagled to a bed in his underwear, it probably should come as no surprise to find sexualized content in the episodes themselves. Sadly, it is also not surprising that the supposed “family” show is rated TV-PG by Nickelodeon – or that the episode’s theme is summarized by Jackie’s statement, “I’m just a wife and a mother. I never developed an identity of my own.” Apparently, Nickelodeon feels it appropriate to promote  the idea that being a wife and mother is totally meaningless -- in a show which it intends children to watch with their parents. 

Glenn reveals his secret for dominating his wife: “Keep her from thinking about her life.” To celebrate her 40^th birthday, the family takes Jackie to see ‘80s girl band the Bang-Bangs, still touring after all these years. Glenn bribes the Bang-Bangs to let Jackie come up on stage with them and sing. Clueless son Conor incestuously exclaims, “That singer is hot!” When informed it is his mother, Conor graphically stabs himself in both eyeballs with forks. After inviting the band to eat dinner with them, Glenn decides it’s time for him and Jackie to leave: “She’s officially turning 40 in ten minutes, and this is my last chance to make love to a youngish woman.” Pudgy band member Pixie tells him, “Hey, sugar buns. You ever make it with a big girl? It’s like being in a threesome.” Later in the episode, Pixie “pays” the band’s driver by ripping open her shirt and exposing her breasts to him, and orders two male fans to “make out” with each other – as the men kiss, one whines, “This isn’t how I pictured my first kiss.” Meanwhile, Glenn complains about “blacklighting [Jackie’s] prison fanmail,” presumably in search of semen stains, and states that “Pixie totally ruined my fat girl fetish.” Just the sort of content parents want to explain to their children.

In need of transportation, the Bang-Bangs make Jackie a member of the band (which Pixie celebrates by ramming her tongue into Glenn’s mouth). Once on the road, Glenn chastises Pixie for fooling around in his dental office: “That’s a spit sink, not a urinal. And you wouldn’t do that in a urinal, either.”  Families in the audience were also treated to one of the Bang-Bang’s songs:

My boyfriend's got a secret

I don't think I can keep it

He wears his shirts pink and tight

He lifts at the gym in the middle of the night

I take off my clothes, and he screams in fright

My Romeo is a homeo

He kisses me like my bro-meo

He's a got a roommate named Antonio

My Romeo is a homeo

But the show’s sexual references aren’t confined to the adult characters. When he resents the fact that his sister’s friend Wendy is stronger than he is, teenaged Conor challenges her to a fight, only to be defeated and humiliated. This leads to a long sequence in which Conor is analyzed by a Freud-like psychiatrist, who diagnoses him as a masochist, then attacks him as “sick.” “Don’t stop! I like this, too!” Conor cries as the pshrink beats him. For the rest of the episode, Conor relishes being brutalized, talking about how “my whole body hurts – and I’m happy!”

Ultimately, the band’s old lead singer returns, and the Bang-Bangs throw Jackie out of the group. Jackie bitterly exclaims, “That’s okay. I know who I am. I’m a dishwashing, bed-making, pancake-pooping dried-out baby machine, and I love it! Just 45 more years to go!” thus reinforcing the message to young Nickelodeon viewers that motherhood is worthless, soul-deadening drudgery.

Among the episode’s quick “cutaway” gags are the fact that the band’s drummer has sold her soul to the Devil in exchange for perfect rhythm…as is shown by an image of Satan in Hell, holding a vomiting baby. “Why do I always gotta ask for the first-born?” the Prince of Evil laments.

Later, Satan swallows the baby whole. The baby then bursts out of his stomach, with the Devil’s intestines dangling everywhere. And of course, no episode of Glenn Martin would be complete without a drawing attention to dog Canine’s huge anal cavity: Conor pulls out a party favor which has become lodged in Canine’s anus – then inserts it in his own mouth.

References to semen, threesomes, masochism, and fetishes are just par for the course on Glenn Martin…the show Nickelodeon has proclaimed to be the cornerstone of prime-time programming for families on the children’s network.

For featuring material definitely not appropriate for children, Glenn Martin DDS is the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.

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